Today, I'm giving up. But not in the way you think.
I'm giving up control. My need for control over things is part of my personality. I want things to go right, and in the way I want them to, in my timing. Thank you, Type-A-ness.
I'm giving up control. My need for control over things is part of my personality. I want things to go right, and in the way I want them to, in my timing. Thank you, Type-A-ness.
But life isn't like that. And sometimes the Universe makes sure you realize it.
Point taken, Universe. I get it. And I'm giving up my need for control over this.
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I never thought, when I was younger, that I'd be 33 and still not have a baby. Hell, I thought I'd be DONE with having kids by 33, not still trying to get started. That's how I felt about getting married, too. That happened later in life than I'd planned, but I wouldn't change it for the world because it brought me the RIGHT person in the RIGHT timing.
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And that's probably what the Universe is trying to teach me now with getting pregnant. As much as I WANT (desperately want) to have control over this, I don't.
I. Just. Don't.
I. Just. Don't.
I need to have faith. And I do...I just haven't been leaning on that faith like I should. I've let worry, and control, and stress creep in and cloud that faith. And I DO know that this is going to happen for us. I truly believe it in the deepest part of me. I just need to let go.
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So this is me, pledging to myself, to you, and to the Universe....I'm giving up my control. I'm going to let life happen, I'm going to let love happen, and I'm going to let my faith take over. I can't keep trying to hold onto this with a tight fist. It's just going to continue to slip through my fingers and make me that much more anxious, angry, upset, frustrated, mad....you name it, I've felt it. And I don't want to anymore.
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I think with dealing with so many "emotional dinosaurs" lately, as my friend called them, it's forced me to let go of some of the stress. And this is one that I absolutely CAN and NEED to let go of. I have grief over my dad's passing, and I can't just let that go without it having other detrimental effects--I need to feel it, and heal through it. But I CAN let this go. And I'm choosing to.
Good things will come. I just need to give up that need for control and
have faith.
have faith.
Such a strong post!
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for you sweet friend!! Love you so much! xo, Biana -BlovedBoston
ReplyDeleteThinking of you, friend! Lots of love and hugs!
ReplyDeleteI love you;)
ReplyDeleteGreat post; I feel like you read my mind. I'm a few weeks away from turning 33 and I thought I'd be done having kids as well. Turns out-having babies is harder than I anticipated. And I'm a nurse and learned all about the process in school(you think I'd be better at it. Ha). I'm sorry today is a rough day. Xoxo
ReplyDeleteThank you for being so open and honest with your pregnancy situation. I have been feeling similarly lately and it can be so frustrating because I'm type A too and like things to go according to plan! It's a hard lesson for me to let go and let things happen on their own time
ReplyDeleteEvelina @ Fortunate House
As I told you via text, that's THE hardest thing to do EVER. But you got this and you're such a strong, amazing woman. Love ya, sweet friend!!!
ReplyDeleteGreat reminders...the "life" I thought I would have by now still hasn't started...but yes, you have to keep the faith!!
ReplyDeleteLaura
www.blackcoffeebeautiful.com
great post girly. it's hard to give up - i am a fellow type A girl and i feel that struggle. not on the baby front but on the relationship front. i'm your age and yep, no boyfriend, no husband. it's hard but i try not to get frustrated. it's just out of my control. ANYWAY this is not about me- but you! you're a strong cookie and i feel like this year will bring good things. :) sending all the love!
ReplyDeletexoxo cheshire kat
You know, sometimes you just need to let go and let things happen they way they're supposed to happen. It's so tough relinquishing control and just going with the flow but we can't control everything. Praying for you sweet friend! <3, Pamela Sequins & Sea Breezes
ReplyDeleteSuch a beautiful post Jenn!! And I totally get it, because I am a type a personality too! Sometimes is just so hard to let go and have faith. Lifting you up in prayer and surrounding you in hugs!!
ReplyDeleteKid you not that first image was my phone lock screen for months. I really struggled not having control of things for a while and that was a little reminder to just let God take control once in a while.
ReplyDeletexo
Jess
Wow friend, so so proud of you for this post. I pray for you daily! We are in this together and I know we will both have perfect little babes in His perfect timing! Love you!
ReplyDeleteSo proud of you and this post. I know how hard this is for you. Have faith and let the universe take you where it wants.
ReplyDeleteThank you
ReplyDeletePraying for you! xx
ReplyDeleteOh that need to plan and control every aspect of our lives right? Yes girl, those emotional dinosaurs, how you can make me smile with such a heavy post as well. Love you sweet girl, you know I'm always praying for you.
ReplyDeleteI feel you on the baby front: I always thought I'd be well into motherhood by now, not just sort of figuring out that I'd like to start. Isn't it funny that the one thing we'd really like to control is almost the one thing we have no control over at all?
ReplyDeleteSo proud of you for being so open and honest about something that is SO near and dear to your heart. You will never know how many hearts you've touched by making the decision to be so open with your story. Of course you know that I am thinking about you guys and praying for you, supporting you and encouraging you in this journey to the family that you WILL have:)
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your story! I am a type A person too. I've been dating my boyfriend for over two and a half years and he still hasn't proposed... he lives in my condo and I'm turning 31 this month! I've just been waiting around for years for him to do what he should, and it drives me crazy that this is out of my hands! This isn't how I've wanted things to be and it's not how I would do things if I was in his position. and I have to keep telling myself that things will work out how they're supposed to. I'm sending good thoughts your way, at least it's almost summer so good weather and relaxation is on the horizon for you!
ReplyDeletetheritzyglitzy.com
Beautiful post - funny thing is, when you let go of that control is when you usually get what you want :) it allows your body to relax and just let it happen and it does! Xo
ReplyDeleteGreat post! It's so hard when us type-A gals want to have everything wrapped up and finished and planned just so, but a lot of times God has his own plan and it's way better. Great encouraging post! Thanks!
ReplyDeleteTina
go-big-or-go-home.com
Hive fives all around!! I love the point you make about needing TO FEEL grief and dealing with those feelings. Most people in life don't realize how to overcome something is to actually FEEL all the FEELS. Seems like an easy mindset, but in all actuality it's not. I cannot recommend Brene Brown books in a time like this. Daring Great is exceptional, BUT Rising Strong is exactly what you need right now. Prayerfully hopeful for you! ;)
ReplyDeleteAwe, thinking of you and praying for you, friend! This too shall pass for you, I'm sure of it. xo
ReplyDeleteI am that need to have control person as well and I know how hard that is to do. All the support and love to you and all of these big things going on.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Jenn, for sharing such a raw post. I truly believe the universe knows what it's doing, even if it doesn't match up with your hopes and timing. And it's usually when you let go of the stress and sense of control that everything falls into place. Keep the faith, my friend.
ReplyDeleteCatalina @ catalinah.com
Giving up control is the hardest thing in the world, seriously. I'm sending you love friend!!! Keep the faith, take the deep breaths, pray, meditate and keep hope. We are all here to love and support you!
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this, Jenn...the desire to control things feels so good, until you realize how much freedom is found in letting go. Hoping that you find all of the peace you need during this stage of life. XxOo.
ReplyDeleteSending lots of good thoughts your way!
ReplyDeleteThis post is incredible, Jenn. I, too, am extremely Type A, and after my miscarriage (before we had any kids) I was a wreck. I was in constant turmoil for months and months and I was always asking "why me, why this." It was a constant battle. But now, years later, I'm thankful because I get to go home to a sweet little boy and a sweet little girl, and I know that God's timing is so much better than my own could have ever been. You are so incredibly brave for letting this go. But good things happen when you let go. Please know that you are in my prayers every single day.
ReplyDeleteControl is something that I struggle with too! You have totally the right mindset that it will happen when it's supposed to happen, but that doesn't mean that it's easy to wait! Sending some hugs your way!
ReplyDelete*Hugs* to you! Thank you for sharing and please know that you are not alone in all of this. I constantly feel like I'm waiting for the next thing too. From following your blog a while it seems like you have a super amazing support system and you will get through this! =) I believe in you!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing and being so open-I see a lot more ladies sharing what they go through and it is encouraging to others in the same boat. It also helps be feel like we can offer support and some extra prayers to you! One way or another, I see you being an incredible mom one day :-)
ReplyDeleteI love this post and thank you for sharing. I am struggling to let go of my type A control freakness is similar areas of my life and this is a good reminder that the struggle is real. Sending you good and positive and calm vibes!
ReplyDeleteI was right where you are a few years back at the same age. I was holding on so tightly that nothing in my life was going to be full until I had that baby in my arms. I went on a retreat and the words 'I have everything I need' came to me. It came into focus right then that I didn't need to place the pressure on the 'baby' that they needed to show up for me to fully enjoy and live my life. I needed to let go of that expectation and timeline and see how many blessings I had right in front of me already. I wrote those words on a sticky note by the door of our house and saw it everyday as I walked out. Friends joked and thought it meant 'I have everything I need', meaning don't forget your lunch, keys, wallet. I practiced that gratitude for everything currently in my life as much as possible and within a few months I was celebrating my pregnancy. My daughter is now 18 months old. I know what you are talking about when it comes to control and grief too... grief and hope are so intricately tied. We sadly lost our second daughter a few weeks ago at 21 weeks along. It's an enormous grief I never expected, but once again, the words of love and faith and gratitude for all that we do have compared to all that we lost are pulling me through each day to hope our family will grow again when the time is right. I'm just a casual reader, but I know you will make a great mom. I'm glad you are choosing faith and love and to let go. Best wishes for the next few months.
ReplyDeleteoh hun, i'm so sorry you are stressing and worrying over this. i wish there was something i could say or do, my fingers, toes and all the other things are crossed for you xxxx
ReplyDeleteCrying, yes seriously crying! You touched a nerve and know you are not alone in how you are feeling. We've all been there at one time or another, different circumstances, but still, to hold on to control is comforting and to become uncomfortable when we let go, is not fun. You have opened many eyes and hearts today.
ReplyDeleteGiving up control is so hard, no matter what type of personality you have. You have such a great outlook on life, and I am positive that having children will come at the right time too. Great post Jenn and thanks for being so open about your struggles.
ReplyDeletexo, Whitney and Blaire
Peaches In A Pod
I know what you mean--I thought that I would have my first kid at 25 and be done by 33, but now I'm turning 36 this year and while we're going to start trying to get pregnant later this year, I am terrified that I won't be able to. But I'm keeping the faith and hoping that if I'm meant to have a child, then I will. Hugs and love for you!!
ReplyDeleteI think you are on the right track. I always worry that I am 28 and haven't found the right career yet, but I have to be okay with parts of that. Sending good thoughts your way!
ReplyDeleteThis is definitely the way to go. Giving up control. I did that when we were trying. I never thought I would get married at 30 and have children at almost 32. I had a plan where I would get married and have children by 26. But there was a reason that didn't happen and you nailed it. My perfect person wasn't there for me yet. But now he is and we had beautiful twins. Your time is coming. Thank you for sharing such an intimate post.
ReplyDeletePraying for you, sweet friend. Proud of you! Love you! xo, Champagne&Suburbs
ReplyDeleteYour strength is so impressive friend. I'm a total type-A also and it's so hard to tell yourself to let go of control, but you are brave and everything happens for a reason. My mom has always told me that God has a plan set for everyone so we just have to wait and see what He throws our way!
ReplyDeleteThinking of and praying for you! As hard as it is to just let go and try not to worry - it will be so much better for you! So great of you to share this!
ReplyDeleteSuch a brave post! I am thinking of you in this tough "emotional dinosaur" time! I can definitely relate to wanting control, but as you said, things always have a way of working themselves out in the right ways! Sending lots of warmth and positivity your way!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you!! We struggled to conceive and required doctor intervention both times I got pregnant. I am very type A and want everything to go as I've planned. So as a result, nothing went as I'd planned and it all worked out for the best. It's so hard to let things go and give up control. I spent a lot of time fighting it and should have just given up control sooner. I think you're ahead of the game by sharing your feelings and being so open about it. I'll be praying for you as you're working through lots of big things in your life. Don't be afraid to ask for help, lean on others and embrace the unknown. You've got this!!
ReplyDeleteI think that last part said it all "Good things will come. I just need to give up that need for control and
ReplyDeletehave faith." Praying for you!
i can imagine how hard it is not to be able to control the outcome but many people have said that the stress and worrying could actually affect you negatively and as soon as you come to peace and let God be in control, it could very well happen!
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure I told you a year ago or so that for some reason, even though we don't 'technically' know each other in person super well (hell, you're still my bestie, blah!) I see and feel this so much for you two...like in my bones feel it. #1 thing is to let go of control, I even had to tell myself that. I love you!!!!! Sending more prayers than you know!!
ReplyDeleteI understand completely, friend. Sending good thoughts and prayers your way. Good things are coming your way!!!
ReplyDeleteGiving up the need to control is THE hardest thing in life for me, too! I loved this post and am sending all the good vibes your way. I just know everything will work out for you, in God's timing (which why can't it be the same as our timing?! ;))
ReplyDeleteI have such a hard time with control also. Why is it so difficult!? I just need everything to go exactly according to my plan, and thats when I feel like it really never does, unfortunately. Hang in there! <3
ReplyDeleteSame boat, girlfriend.
ReplyDelete