Friday, June 17, 2016

Tough Days

As Father's Day's been approaching these last few weeks, and especially in the days leading up to this weekend, I've had an ever-growing pit in my stomach. I see the posts about "must have Father's Day gifts" or the ads on tv about spoiling your dad and taking him out, making him feel special. 

And it's hard. 
I have a dad who I love and adore, and owe so much to. But I don't get to celebrate with him this year. My dad isn't here to give a hug, and tell him how much I love him. I can't spoil my dad and make him feel special. He's gone.

This is my first Father's Day where I don't have my dad here on Earth with me. And it sucks. It hurts. It doesn't feel fair.

I know that this is just one of many milestone days that will come and go, and that I'll have to push through. But it doesn't make it any easier. And I have a feeling every Father's Day I'll have feelings like this.

Instead of getting sucked into the emotional pit that I could easily let wash over me (and have on occasion during the last couple of days), I'm going to try and focus on the positive. How lucky I am to have had a dad who loved me unconditionally. A dad who took the time to make sure I had everything that I needed. 
I cherish memories with my dad during the summer where he would take me (and sometimes a friend) into DC to see the museums--the Air and Space Museum being one of our favorites. I remember the excitement I had over eating the museum cafeteria food with my dad and talking with him about the exhibits that we saw.

I remember the man who took me out for driving lessons in empty parking lots before I even had my learner's permit because he wanted me to get good experience before I got out on the road (God bless him for not fearing for his safety, or at least hiding it well if he did). I remember the man who didn't yell at me when I accidentally parked the car against a sign post and dinged the front of the car.

I remember the man who drove me to school every morning because the county expected us to walk 2 miles (through an insane asylum's grounds) to get there and he didn't think that was very safe (agreed!). I remember getting to give my dad a kiss on the cheek every morning before I headed in to school and tell him I loved him, knowing that he'd be there to pick me up at the end of the day.

I remember the man who drove me to every single one of my away volleyball games in high school, and was in attendance for every single one of my home games, too. I remember hearing him cheer me on from the bleachers, and knowing that if I looked over my dad was always going to be there.

I remember the man who was rough on the outside, but had a soft spot for me. I remember that gruff guy who got choked up when he saw me in the dress for my 8th grade dance. And then again when he saw me in my wedding dress and told me how beautiful I looked.

I know my dad's still there, cheering me on. I just wish so desperately that I could run up to him and give him a big hug and a kiss and let him know how much I love him. How much I miss him. And hear him say "I love you too sweetie" like he always did. 

How lucky I am to have had such an amazing Dad. How insanely lucky. We danced to the song Unforgettable at my wedding, and those words rang true then, and they still do now.
"Unforgettable 
That's what you are, 
Unforgettable 
Tho' near or far....

...Unforgettable 
In every way, 
And forever more 
That's how you'll stay. "
I love you, Dad. Forever and Always.

29 comments:

  1. Your post was so beautiful. I love what you wrote about your dad and the memories of the times you shared together. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this...thinking of you!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I've been thinking of you with this day coming up! Such a wonderful post - so many lovely memories together and happy times. My heart goes out to you!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thinking about you dear, you truly are lucky to have had such a special relationship with your dad.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh Jenn this totally got me all emotional. What a beautiful post. He sounds like such an amazing man
    Xo, Evelina @ Fortunate House

    ReplyDelete
  5. Tears. I am so sorry friend. I have been thinking about you so much lately. I can't imagine how tough these holidays are for you and your family but I hope you find comfort in knowing that your dad is looking down over you <3

    ReplyDelete
  6. What sweet memories with your dad!

    ReplyDelete
  7. This is my 6th Fathers Day without my dad and it's still hard. I feel your pain and I remember the first one well. I know that I did something to honor him. We are(he was) super in to little British cars, so I took his for a drive and visiting the cemetery along the way. I had a chat with him when I was there. And I cried. A lot. I too am not a fan of all the hype leading up to it, but it does get easier. I'm afraid that pit will be there for a while though girl. Sending hugs from NJ as you cross this bump for the first time...

    ReplyDelete
  8. I love you so much and I know this day will be hard, but I am so proud of you for seeing the good. Your dad was amazing and you are so blessed to have had him for the past 30+ years.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh Jen-

    You lost your dad and I lost my mom. Both at ages where we shouldn't be burying our parents. You hit the nail on the head with this post and I wish I could wrap my arms around you and give you the biggest hug. I'm driving back up to DC this weekend (ironically to see my dad:/ and Harry Connick Jr) and passing the cemetery where your father is buried. I'll be sure to stop and say an extra prayer for all of you. We still haven't managed to meet up as I do have a something for you about losing parents and such. But alas, one day-I'm just down the road now in Richmond. Sorry for the rambling response. But I'm beyond sorry that you have to be without your dad physically this weekend.

    Xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm sending lots of love your way, this is how I feel about Mother's Day.

    ReplyDelete
  11. What a beautiful post. Sending some good thoughts and prayers your way on this first Father's Day without your dad here - I know it's going to be rough :(

    ReplyDelete
  12. I love the love you have shown for your daddy and giving us a piece of your heart!! I Still pray for your comfort daily sweet girl and sending you an extra hug this weekend!!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Hoping that the memories of your sweet dad bring you much happiness this weekend!

    ReplyDelete
  14. What a beautiful post and tribute to your Dad, sweet friend. He sounds like he was an incredible guy! You're definitely right that he's up there rooting you on. Good on you for finding the wonderful memories with your Dad to cherish -- that's your own way of celebrating him! xx

    ReplyDelete
  15. Thinking of you this weekend sweet friend. Sending lots and lots of *hugs* <3
    Green Fashionista

    ReplyDelete
  16. What a beautiful post. As someone who grew up without a father, your post really stuck a cord with me. I don't remember my father at all and I would give up everything to have just one minute wit him. Please know that you are and were blessed to have such a wonderful, loving father. He is always with you, just look inside your heart and you will see him. Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Such a sweet post Jenn!! I'll be thinking about you this weekend. Your memories of your dad are so sweet & you can tell you all had a very special relationship!
    Kelsey
    www.thepeacockroost.com

    ReplyDelete
  18. I know what you're feeling, and I'm extremely sorry. It's certainly not fair. I sometimes wonder, what if, and why...but now I try to change those feelings to "this is what I'm doing in your honor,and if she was here we would...and I remember when we did this..." It's hard, I'm not going to lie, but I always think of the special angel I have watching over me. He's with you Jenn, always. Sending my love!

    ReplyDelete
  19. So many tears. What a sweet tribute to your father. I thought about you this week when I was prepping my Father's Day posts and I felt really sad for you. I feel grateful that my father is still here and cherish the moments even more now. Especially since you told us about the letters to write. I did that and know how special it is and will be. I really hope you still have an amazing weekend and celebrate him. He is looking down on you and hopefully will be in your dreams this weekend so you can meet again.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Oh Jenn, this post made me cry. You are so blessed to have had such an amazing daddy who loved you and supported you like he did. I hope that you can hang on to those memories this weekend and for always. What a beautiful tribute to the first man you ever loved.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Such a nicely written post, Jenn! Thinking of you this weekend!

    ReplyDelete
  22. This brought tears to my eyes. What a wonderful father he was, you were so lucky to have him. I love your attitude to look at the positive side, it is all you can do, and cherish your memories and go on living as the wonderful woman he was proud to raise. Have a great weekend!

    ReplyDelete
  23. This made me tear up, Jenn. I can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling. Sending you lots of hugs and prayers. Your dad was a wonderful man, so glad you have so many great memories!
    xo, Lily
    Beauty With Lily

    ReplyDelete
  24. I got teary eyed-reading this post because I can only imagine how painful it is to miss him everyday and then be reminded on Father's day that you can't see him and hug him. Stay strong love and know he's so proud of you!

    ReplyDelete
  25. Thinking of you this weekend Jenn. Sending lots of hugs your way!

    ReplyDelete
  26. What a beautiful post.
    And many people, I feel, don't think it through when they post all about Mother's Day or Father's Day on social media. It's so hard for so many.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Been thinking about you since I woke up this morning - I know how hard these days are and I just hope you're hanging in there. Take comfort in all of your beautiful memories together and know that he's with you today, even if it's not physically :) Sending you lots of love!

    ReplyDelete
  28. I'm so sorry. You're right, you are so so lucky. My parents combined weren't the caliber of parent you describe here. Mother's day and father's day are such tough days for so many people for a variety of reasons. I hope you know you're not alone. I'll be adding this to my prayers.

    ReplyDelete

I LOVE hearing your thoughts and comments--so, make my day and leave me some lovin'!

 
Blogging tips