Tough Days

As Father's Day's been approaching these last few weeks, and especially in the days leading up to this weekend, I've had an ever-growing pit in my stomach. I see the posts about "must have Father's Day gifts" or the ads on tv about spoiling your dad and taking him out, making him feel special. 

And it's hard. 

I have a dad who I love and adore, and owe so much to. But I don't get to celebrate with him this year. My dad isn't here to give a hug, and tell him how much I love him. I can't spoil my dad and make him feel special. He's gone.

This is my first Father's Day where I don't have my dad here on Earth with me. And it sucks. It hurts. It doesn't feel fair.

I know that this is just one of many milestone days that will come and go, and that I'll have to push through. But it doesn't make it any easier. And I have a feeling every Father's Day I'll have feelings like this.

Instead of getting sucked into the emotional pit that I could easily let wash over me (and have on occasion during the last couple of days), I'm going to try and focus on the positive. How lucky I am to have had a dad who loved me unconditionally. A dad who took the time to make sure I had everything that I needed. 

I cherish memories with my dad during the summer where he would take me (and sometimes a friend) into DC to see the museums--the Air and Space Museum being one of our favorites. I remember the excitement I had over eating the museum cafeteria food with my dad and talking with him about the exhibits that we saw.

I remember the man who took me out for driving lessons in empty parking lots before I even had my learner's permit because he wanted me to get good experience before I got out on the road (God bless him for not fearing for his safety, or at least hiding it well if he did). I remember the man who didn't yell at me when I accidentally parked the car against a sign post and dinged the front of the car.

I remember the man who drove me to school every morning because the county expected us to walk 2 miles (through an insane asylum's grounds) to get there and he didn't think that was very safe (agreed!). I remember getting to give my dad a kiss on the cheek every morning before I headed in to school and tell him I loved him, knowing that he'd be there to pick me up at the end of the day.

I remember the man who drove me to every single one of my away volleyball games in high school, and was in attendance for every single one of my home games, too. I remember hearing him cheer me on from the bleachers, and knowing that if I looked over my dad was always going to be there.

I remember the man who was rough on the outside, but had a soft spot for me. I remember that gruff guy who got choked up when he saw me in the dress for my 8th grade dance. And then again when he saw me in my wedding dress and told me how beautiful I looked.

I know my dad's still there, cheering me on. I just wish so desperately that I could run up to him and give him a big hug and a kiss and let him know how much I love him. How much I miss him. And hear him say "I love you too sweetie" like he always did. 

How lucky I am to have had such an amazing Dad. How insanely lucky. We danced to the song Unforgettable at my wedding, and those words rang true then, and they still do now.

"Unforgettable 
That's what you are, 
Unforgettable 
Tho' near or far....

...Unforgettable 
In every way, 
And forever more 
That's how you'll stay. "

I love you, Dad. Forever and Always.