Real Thoughts

Today I'm gonna get a bit serious around here.

You all pretty much are aware that our most recent attempt at IUI was our last before we moved on to IVF. Well, the Thursday that we left for Greece, I got the call that we're not pregnant.

Along with that came some heavy emotions. I was SO hopeful that this was going to be "it" for us...just like I let myself hope every month before this one. But more than that, it was the last stop before 'the big time' that is IVF. 

I'm not gonna lie. I had a HUGE full out cry fest full of sobs, hyperventilating, and some screaming into pillows. I haven't had these kind of feelings since my Dad died, and in some ways, it was the death of my hope that we could have this happen without getting to the next level.

I'm grateful that we had our vacay right on the heels of this--it allowed us both some much needed time to get away from the stresses that this year has brought us, some time to relax, reconnect and let loose. I'm SO thankful that we had this time together. 

And now that we're back, it's full swing into reality. Calling insurance, getting meds ordered, taking online IVF classes, signing up for classes about IVF and shots, making appointments for my mock embryo transfer. It's a lot. And my feelings are a range of emotions. I'm SO grateful that this is an option for us--that we have the finances in place (and insurance that is helping--thank goodness!), and the resources that make this available. Having just seen some great ruins from the past on our trip, reinforced how lucky we are that we have IVF as an option, whereas in the past, we would have just kept trying and hoping that one month we'd get a miracle, or given up completely.

I'm trying to remain positive. I know so many amazing women who have gone through this process. They've persevered through the painful shots, the anesthesia and surgery, the emotional and financial rollercoaster that is this process, and succeeded. 

I've kept my outlook hopeful, but I'd be lying if I told you that the fear and doubts aren't creeping in more than normal. After basically having 2 years worth of disappointments, it's hard to feel like there will ever be a month where we get good news. I pray that we do, but I'm afraid that I'm just getting used to the disappointment. It's not the head space I want to be in, but that's my reality. It's a possibility.

I think it's also scary because, this is basically the end of the line for us in terms of being able to have our own biological child. Before, there was always the "next" option. And now, we're at the end of that road which is terrifying. 

I know in my heart that I'm destined to be a mom. I know that MG is going to be the most amazing dad. And I just pray that this next step, as hard as it's going to be, will bring us this gift that we want the most. I know it's not going to be easy....and it's not going to be pleasant, but if it brings us that little baby we've been hoping and praying for, then it will be worth it. I never thought I'd have the strength to get through IVF....but knowing so many amazing women who have done it, and are supporting me through it, helps.

So, that's me getting real today. Life isn't fair...and it's certainly not easy. Everyone has their own obstacles in life to deal with, and this one is ours. I'm thankful that I have this support network, my family and friends, and that I have the summer off from work so that I'm not dealing with work stresses on top of all of this. All of these are blessings. 

So here's hoping that I can keep the positivity flowing, keep the negative thoughts at bay, and get rolling on this next part of the journey down the road to getting us a baby.