Thursday, July 21, 2016

Real Thoughts

Today I'm gonna get a bit serious around here.

You all pretty much are aware that our most recent attempt at IUI was our last before we moved on to IVF. Well, the Thursday that we left for Greece, I got the call that we're not pregnant.

Along with that came some heavy emotions. I was SO hopeful that this was going to be "it" for us...just like I let myself hope every month before this one. But more than that, it was the last stop before 'the big time' that is IVF. 

I'm not gonna lie. I had a HUGE full out cry fest full of sobs, hyperventilating, and some screaming into pillows. I haven't had these kind of feelings since my Dad died, and in some ways, it was the death of my hope that we could have this happen without getting to the next level.

I'm grateful that we had our vacay right on the heels of this--it allowed us both some much needed time to get away from the stresses that this year has brought us, some time to relax, reconnect and let loose. I'm SO thankful that we had this time together. 

And now that we're back, it's full swing into reality. Calling insurance, getting meds ordered, taking online IVF classes, signing up for classes about IVF and shots, making appointments for my mock embryo transfer. It's a lot. And my feelings are a range of emotions. I'm SO grateful that this is an option for us--that we have the finances in place (and insurance that is helping--thank goodness!), and the resources that make this available. Having just seen some great ruins from the past on our trip, reinforced how lucky we are that we have IVF as an option, whereas in the past, we would have just kept trying and hoping that one month we'd get a miracle, or given up completely.

I'm trying to remain positive. I know so many amazing women who have gone through this process. They've persevered through the painful shots, the anesthesia and surgery, the emotional and financial rollercoaster that is this process, and succeeded. 
I've kept my outlook hopeful, but I'd be lying if I told you that the fear and doubts aren't creeping in more than normal. After basically having 2 years worth of disappointments, it's hard to feel like there will ever be a month where we get good news. I pray that we do, but I'm afraid that I'm just getting used to the disappointment. It's not the head space I want to be in, but that's my reality. It's a possibility.

I think it's also scary because, this is basically the end of the line for us in terms of being able to have our own biological child. Before, there was always the "next" option. And now, we're at the end of that road which is terrifying. 

I know in my heart that I'm destined to be a mom. I know that MG is going to be the most amazing dad. And I just pray that this next step, as hard as it's going to be, will bring us this gift that we want the most. I know it's not going to be easy....and it's not going to be pleasant, but if it brings us that little baby we've been hoping and praying for, then it will be worth it. I never thought I'd have the strength to get through IVF....but knowing so many amazing women who have done it, and are supporting me through it, helps.

So, that's me getting real today. Life isn't fair...and it's certainly not easy. Everyone has their own obstacles in life to deal with, and this one is ours. I'm thankful that I have this support network, my family and friends, and that I have the summer off from work so that I'm not dealing with work stresses on top of all of this. All of these are blessings. 

So here's hoping that I can keep the positivity flowing, keep the negative thoughts at bay, and get rolling on this next part of the journey down the road to getting us a baby.

45 comments:

  1. Thinking of you and praying for you as you take on this journey!

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  2. SO PROUD OF YOU!!!! You know I'm here to walk you through every step! You are going to do amazing and it will be SO WORTH IT!! This journey will definitely make you so much more thankful for a pregnancy, baby, etc. Sending you all the baby dust in the world! Xoxoxo

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  3. I love you so much! I'm praying for you!!

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  4. Sending lots of prayers and love your way! That has got to be some of the hardest news to receive, but thankfully, like you said, IVF is an option because of the time that we live in.

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  5. Thanks for sharing, Jen! It breaks me heart that some women have to endure this type of struggle. Life is definitely not fair. However, you are such a strong woman--and you will get through this--and I pray that this final option yields positive results. Thinking of you!!

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  6. You know I'm always thinking about you girl. I'm so sorry the last round didn't work before you left. You have so much support and love for the both of you. Any healthcare questions you know who to ask <3 <3 <3

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  7. I don't have any wise words to say, but my heart aches for you and you guys are both in my prayers!

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  8. I've been thinking of you. I'm so glad you had your trip to distract you from the disappointment. Praying for you as you continue the journey to motherhood. I'm sure you are so aware of all things IVF related but I recently clicked on the hashtag #ivfsuccess on IG and looked at all of the success stories.

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  9. sending all the love and positivity to you both! i can't imagine what you're going through but it'll be worth it as owen says! love love love <3

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  10. i always say thank god for science! you will get through IVF and come out even stronger and more connected with your man! I've had one full cycle so far we've had some disappointments and with only 2 embryos left i know that we may need to do another full IVF cycle again.. but honestly its only making me stronger. YOU GOT THIS :)

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  11. Thinking of you! So sorry you're having to go down this road, but I'm also glad you've got a great team of doctors to help your family. Infertility is such an emotional roller coaster. Thanks for sharing your journey. Good luck with this next chapter :)

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  12. I don't even know you and there is no doubt in my mind that you were meant to be a mom. Sending lots of love and prayers <3

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  13. I am literally about to head in for my egg retrieval with my embryo transfer scheduled for 7/21. I must say as stressful financially it has been for us (insurance doesn't cover any infertility in CA) the process has been quick and not too bad. The shots and hormones have not been bad at all and we are staying as positive and hopeful as possible. I wish you the best of luck on this journey.

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  14. Sending you lots and lots of *hugs* and prayers sweet friend! I can't even imagine the range of emotions you've been going through, but am glad you had such an amazing trip to look forward to after getting tough news. You are definitely destined to be a mom, and I cannot wait to hear your amazing news about your little miracle <3
    Green Fashionista

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  15. Prayers for peace and positivity as you and your husband head into this next step.

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  16. Sending lots of love your way during this process!!!

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  17. Thank you for sharing this. There is definitely hope out there. Another blogger friend of mine just got pregnant via IVF after a few tries. I feel like you are destined to be a mother and even though this process is awful and hard, you are going to have so much life experience from this. You are amazing and will be the best mom. I can't wait to follow along on your IVF journey. I am so glad that Greece came at a time of need and that you could relax and let loose! So glad to have you back though.

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  18. Love you so much friend. I am so glad we got to chat this morning. You know I am here for you for anything and everything you need. Like I said you feel how you need to feel.

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  19. Hugs and peace to you. Good luck with the IVF, I watched my best friend go through it and there are so many highs and lows due to all the emotions and hormones. You can do it! And if it does not work out the way you planned, it will work out no matter what. Acceptance is a biatch, but it is the only way to get through the times when life poops on your plans. This girl knows well. You will be a great mother no matter how you get there! The journey is rough but it will all be worth it.

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  20. I love your honesty friend, and your strength and faith!!! You are an inspiration and I think you are amazing. I know women who have had success with IVF, so I am sending a prayer your way!! xoxoxo

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  21. I have had friends go through it, and no it's not easy...but you seem to have an amazing outlook on it. I am sending all the positive vibes and love your way!

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  22. Just lifted you up in a prayer, and I'm sending my love your way!

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  23. Praying praying praying. God has a plan for you and I just KNOW that it's going to end with the most perfect baby :)

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  24. I'm thinking so many happy happy thoughts for you! Being a mama is in your future--I can see it!

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  25. Oh Jenn, I don't even know what to say. So many things come to mind, but yet they all seem inadequate. Just know that there are so many of us rooting for you and praying for you. You are truly an inspiration and you're going to make the best mommy one day... and very soon, I pray.

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  26. I gathered from the happy hour mention in your other post that IVF was on the horizon for you guys. I'm sorry because IVF is hard, but I'm excited because you're closer than ever to a baby. I know how scary it is to be on your last option, because we're on ours too. When I'm not actively doing something related to it...I'm having dreadful what-if thoughts.

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  27. Love you and so thankful for you. Can't wait to get that text message from you that says, "I'm pregnant!" because I know in my heart that I will. Like I told you the other day, I don't always have the words to say, but I'm so confident that this will work for you guys and I'm so excited for you. It's okay to be anxious and nervous -- you're human! You guys have got this and my gosh, that is going to be ONE LOVED little baby! :)

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  28. Sending you so many prayers! Keep following His plan and I just know it will end with a sweet sweet baby!!

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  29. I know that IVF won't be easy. I know it's scary. And overwhelming. But I also know that YOU'VE GOT THIS, girl! You know I have been rooting for you, praying for you, and thinking about you, and will continue to do so as you begin this next chapter in your journey to baby. You are going to be a great mom - and this baby will be SO very loved!!!

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  30. Oh Jen, I'm so sorry to hear that this struggle continues and that you have to go to the next step. It's definitely been a rough year for you so I'm sure your vacation helped get your mind off of things but now real life is happening again. We all don't think we're strong enough to face certain things until it happens and you have no other choice. I think you're destined to be a mom, and an amazing one too, so it will happen for you and MG! XO Sending prayers and positive pregnancy vibes.

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  31. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. My thoughts are definitely with you while you go through this and I'm hoping for a baby for you so badly. A beautiful gift! He/she will happen :) you will be fabulous parents! Xo

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  32. Your honesty makes your blog one of my favorites to read. I'm very sorry that you're having such a hard year. I hope you have a nice weekend, you deserve it! Sending good thoughts your way!!
    xoxoxo

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  33. I so wish I could come through the computer, phone and whatever else that is coming between us to give you a hug. I'm thinking of you guys and praying for you! Always thinking of you love.

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  34. I'm so sorry you didn't get the news that you wanted. Hugs.

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  35. Sending all the prayers and positive thoughts/vibes your way. I'm sure all of this is just part of a bigger plan that we're never quite sure of. Best of luck to you as you start this new journey!

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  36. Thinking of you through all of this. I know in the end, you'll have the most perfect baby and can already tell you two will be great parents. Hang in there xoxo

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  37. you know i never get to read blogs anymore, since I now run around after my own IVF miracle boy, but I just wanted to let you know that I am here for you EVERY step of the way. You are stronger than you know and you will get thru this. I know you are destined to be an amazing mom and i am praying and cheering you on through all of this!

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  38. Sending you lots of prayers, love, and hugs during this time. I know it's long, hard, tough, and emotionally draining but you can do it. You will be an amazing mom! As cheesy as it sounds try to focus on the positive ;)

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  39. oh hun, i am so very sorry you are going through this. thinking of you and sending all my baby dust/positive vibes your way. i really hope it is sooner rather than later for you, you will both make amazing parents. hugs xxxx

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  40. Thank you so much for sharing! You and MG will definitely make amazing parents and you're in my thoughts and prayers! xo, Champagne&Suburbs

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