I Am Okay

Hey everyone! Hope your weeks are winding down nicely. This week has been quite the doozy for me. All kinds of life changes have happened, BUT I'm ok. Strangely okay, actually.

Tuesday was an emotional rollercoaster. The numbness wore off and I sat in the middle of the emotional wreckage. But I needed that. Wednesday started off rough because I came back to work and had to tell my coworkers about the break up. And then, as the day went on, I spoke to and heard from multiple people, and had the chance to process out my feelings about things. I was able to open up my mind and my heart to some things that I hadn't been able to before.

So today, day 3, emotionally I feel as if this happened a month or so ago. I know I'm not totally done healing from this (I would never be naive enough to think that), but I am able to look at this from a completely different standpoint than the "OMG, what the hell just happened? How am I going to survive this?" feelings. I am SO thankful that it happened now, as opposed to after I moved, or after we got married or......it could have been SO much worse. Yeah, it was a surprise, BUT I can honestly say, that it was for the best.

I really attribute a lot of my healing to those of you who contacted me, and especially those individuals who shared their own stories (or stories about people they know) with me. Seeing that other people have gone through it, have survived, and met amazing people afterwards, really put things into perspective for me. He wasn't who I wanted to be with--I let myself believe that certain things weren't really what I thought (and felt) that they were. I know I deserve someone who would take my side no matter what, and someone I would never have to question whether or not they would be faithful the entire time we were together. Someone who would make me feel 100% secure in what we have together. I didn't have that. I wanted to believe that I did, but I didn't.

I have a sense of freedom now. I can make whatever choices that I want to for myself right now. I can find a new job if I want, I can pick up and move anywhere if I want to (I was already preparing for it anyway), and I can find happiness. I feel SO strong right now....probably the most whole and strong that I have ever felt in my life. And I have this feeling inside of me that whoever I am to end up with is somewhere waiting for me. But for right now, I'm concentrating on figuring out what it is that I want, and what it is that's going to make me happy. (Holy crap, when did I become this incredibly emotionally mature person????)

Again, I have to say thank you to all of you for your outpouring of love, sharing of stories, and thoughts/prayers. You all have been truly inspiring to me, and have helped to pull me out of the doldrums that I thought I would be lost in for a while. I am so thankful that I started this blog, even if it was about my LDR. Without this, I wouldn't have been touched by so many people, and most certainly would not be as "okay" as I am today. So, thank you again, from the bottom of my heart. I truly mean it.