Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Wedding Wednesday: Etiquette Question and a Gripe

 I have a situation that I want an opinion on, and I figured where else can I get some honest opinions than from my blog peeps?
Wedding Wednesday


Here goes....

You all remember bridezilla drama chick, right? (If not, you can catch up here).

Well, because we've decided to "let the drama go," and I now exist to her when we're in a group together....we invited one another to our bridal showers. Mine was in the complex that I live in (and she and her fiance live in as well). Hers was in NJ the day after Valentine's Day. Obviously I wasn't going to go up to NJ since that's way far away (4 hour drive).

But I did the polite thing and bought her a gift from her registry, sent a note that said I was sorry to miss it, and that I hoped the bridal shower was fun.

The gift arrived at her place, and then I got a message from her on facebook, thanking me for the gift:
Hi Jenn -
I want yo thank u so much for my decanter that u got us! Very sweet of u to send something.

I think it's nice of her to have acknowledged that she got it, but, the etiquette part of me also thinks something slightly more than a facebook message thanking me would be appropriate for a $40 gift (and, something where the word "you" is actually spelled out in its entirety). Or any gift, for that matter, considering I didn't HAVE to send anything (and it would have been understandable, given our history, if I hadn't sent anything at all!)
Since it's almost a month later, I'm assuming I'm not getting a thank you in the mail.

Am I wrong?
When people didn't come to my shower, and the ones who sent a gift anyway, I still sent them a thank you note, in the mail, that was hand written. I thought that was the proper thing to do. Drama, or no drama.
Thoughts?

~.~.~

On to my gripe:
This weekend MG and I started reaching out to people we haven't gotten response cards from yet. One of those people was an old coworker and friend of mine who lives down the street from us.
I've assumed she was coming, and just hadn't sent it in so I sent her a quick text, and 5 hours later I got this response:

"Hey-sorry I have sent the Save the Date back but I've been waiting for my cousin to let me know when she was coming from New York. I'm pretty confident she's coming that weekend and I don't want to have to wait to give you a response since I know you have to plan, so I guess I won't be able to make the wedding. I wish I could be there since I'd love to celebrate your big day!"
Cut to me, mouth open...speechless.

A few months ago, while sitting in our living room, this same girl excitedly told me that I had to invite her to my bachelorette party and that she couldn't wait for our wedding. But, I guess her cousin possibly coming in that weekend trumps that?

My thoughts:
1) if you're gonna make up an excuse, make up a better one than that...especially in a 5 hour time period
2) if you're going to NEED to make up an excuse, just send the response card back with a "no" so I don't have to reach out and ask you if you're coming or not, and then read your lame excuse
3) if, by some whacked out way, this is actually a true story (doubtful), why wouldn't you tell your cousin that you have a wedding that weekend that you've known about for EIGHT months?

All of this just shows me how little she actually cares. I didn't respond to her text, because anything I would have said would have been full of sarcasm or snarky-ness (much like this blog post).  I definitely see where I stand in her life and won't be going out of my way for her in the future.
And, no, she won't be coming to my bachelorette. Thank goodness.
More room for someone who actually WANTS to be at the wedding. Or, her plated dinner can be converted to more appetizers for our friends :)
WOOOO-SAHHHH!

Ok, thanks for letting me ask my question and vent! I feel better already :)

17 comments:

  1. Well you already know my thoughts on the RSVP girl, so I'll save the repeat ;)

    But the drama girl. OMG. It never ends. That was SO sweet of you to send her a gift, even though you couldn't make it. Her response?! LIVID. I have a huge problem with people who don't go out of there way to send legit thank you cards to people. Sure it's annoying and not an enjoyable task, but those people didn't have to buy you a gift and therefore you HAVE to send a thank you CARD. GRRRRR. This girl.....

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  2. Weddings do bring out the worst in some people! I can completely understand your feelings on drama chick, I would probably feel the same way. I think etiquette is totally lost on some people, and I HATE that FB has become (in some people's perception) an "acceptable" form of communication for such things. I may be old fashioned, but I think that RSVPs and thank you notes should definitely still be sent by mail! Spending a few minutes writing and the cost of a stamp just shows a little more respect and gratitude in my opinion.

    As for your gripe... Wow! Well done for not replying, I don't know how I would have resisted. That is a rubbish excuse and if it's the truth, I would have made up something a bit better if it were me! Like you said, it basically shows a total disregard for you, your wedding and your friendship, which is really sad. What matters is that the people that matter will be there!

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  3. I'm doing actual handwritten thank you cards for every gift I get...regardless of whether or not they came. I think that is just the proper thing to do. Also, did you really expect a proper thank you note from drama queen girl? Based on what you've said about her so far she seems to lack certain social skills...so, it would be fitting that she'd send you a misspelled FB message. No worries. Let it roll off your back. 38 DAYS!

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  4. Wow, all I can say is wow. Seriously, a FB message? not even a text? Its a wedding gift people, write a thank you note by hand that you stamp. I would have even been ok had she not mailed it and left if at your door, still her mom needs to teach her some manners. As for RSVP girl? yeah come on just send in the card, or just say Im sorry I can't come anymore. I just do not get people at all.

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  5. You are definitely not wrong about the handwritten thank you note. Those should always be sent, no matter what the situation. Good for you for sending a present even though you weren't able to attend. You are definitely the bigger and better person in that situation.

    Don't even worry about the co-worker. The most important people will be at your wedding and worrying about her is not worth your time.

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  6. Man. I don't even know where to begin with this person. I can't believe she sent a thank you through facebook. Honestly, that is so freaking tacky. Weddings are the one place that etiquette is so important. I'm sorry that you won't be getting that money back. Tacky!

    And for your gripe. I don't think that person really wanted to go to your wedding anyways. And that is sad. My cousin can't come to ours because we are getting married in GA and there is a wedding with her husbands family the same weekend in NY. Obviously she had to pick one. But she also told me like a year in advance, so I know about it. And she is still coming to all the bachelorette festivities and possibly my bridal shower. If someone told me to my face they couldn't wait and then didn't show up, I would be angry. That just isn't right! I'm sorry!!

    Thanks for linking up!

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  7. In our society it seems that the written word is dying a long slow death. But, weddings for most, resurrect the formal Thank You note. I'm not surprised she didn't send one, she's always trying to do things to you just to get at you. You are correct with etiquette and Miss Manners would not approve of the other bride.

    And yeah, you'll get a few surprise RSVPs. I know I mentioned we had a few, oh wows and you'll probably have at least another one. People have different priorities and even though she's known about the wedding, she probably just things 'family first' and doesn't understand the hurt she's caused you. More food for everyone else ;)

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  8. I think that the big problem these days is that people have no sense of etiquette anymore. So sad. Thank you cards should still be sent for every gift given for an event like a wedding. Not stupid, misspelled facebook messages. Ugh. That makes me mad. And RSVP cards should ALWAYS be sent. I always respond to invitations - be they birthday, anniversaries, whatever. But especially to weddings, where money and effort are being put into each person invited. We had more than 10 'no shows' at our actual wedding - 10 plates paid for and sitting with no one there to eat them. Money down the drain. Hopefully, that won't happen to you, despite rude people with no sense of etiquette.

    PS: On episode 4 of House of Cards, and you were right. It's definitely getting pretty dark fast - not light and happy at all!!!

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  9. I'm pretty impressed that you actually sent this girl a gift at all. But WTF with the facebook message? Honestly, I think that's more obnoxious than not sending a thank you note at all. And holy crap, I have a VERY similar story to your ex-coworker that I'll have to email you!

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  10. wow. just wow. a facebook thank you... that just shows what LOW CLASS she really has. that's really unreal. then again, you already knew she was the scum of the earth, so maybe it shouldn't be that surprising.

    as for the co-worker, i think you did the right thing in not replying. maybe she'll get the hint that she was a jerk. but i'd definitely write her off the list of people you give a shit about... unless she apologizes, which i doubt will happen. focus on all the great people that said yes and what a great time you will have!

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  11. Came across your blog in the linkup, caught up on the drama story... so glad to know I am not alone in dealing with the crazy things that happen during planning. I will share a tidbit that my best friend told me over and over.. when you plan a wedding, you find out who your friends are. And how true is that! I also know a girl that didn't send a single thank you note to the 375 people that were at her wedding/brought her presents. Hate you are going through this, but it seems you both have the right perspective on how to handle these kind of things!

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  12. I just read all this drama and yea...I had a "friend" like this. Eventually I cut ties and as hard as it was, it was a very positive healthy thing for me to do. Negative, self-involved people like this will not change. They are miserable and unhappy and all we can do is wish them the best and pray they find peace in their lives. And the co-worker/friend..is a douche. Plain and simple =) weddings bring out the most lovely sides of people!

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  13. Girl you vent all you need! The response card debacle sounds all too familiar! People just don't get it until they are a bride and realize how important it is!

    thanks for linking up!

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  14. I just had to read all the way back to the original email post. c-r-a-z-y!! as frustrating as thank you cards are, its proper but you do have about a 3 month or longer window to send thank you's

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  15. Oh my goodness you poor thing! The RSVP girl is clearly not a good friend - so sorry you had to deal with that!!

    In terms of the thank you card, I sometimes write a quick note to let them know I got the gift but then always follow-up with a hand-written note! It's proper etiquette, but maybe she isn't familiar with that? That's sad if she isn't.

    Anyway, good luck with everything! It seems like you have the right perspective in all of this. I'm happy you can use your blog to vent! I love this blog world, don't you? :)

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  16. I forgot thank you notes after my bridal shower. I still feel awful about it, but did mention it in the post wedding thank you...... bad bad me.
    As for Drama Girl - you are really nice! And she is clearly not
    As for your friend,.....at least she replied. My friend just started ignoring me after she received her Save the Date. I sent an invite and never heard from her. We met up about 3 months after the wedding at a mutual friend's dinner. She then admitted that she couldn't afford to come to the wedding but didn't know who to tell me. People are strange hey? I told her it was fine and she could have told me, I would have understood. Rather have her join for other festivities and I had missed her for all those months!

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  17. In regard to Bridezillashower, of course you should have received a thank you note. If you receive a gift (or anything, really), you write a thank you note. End of story.

    As far as RSVPmonster, her behavior was in poor taste. Just keep to high ground -- no reason to make waves with someone on your street.

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