On the Eve of Three

Tomorrow marks 3 years since I lost my dad. It's crazy to me that it was 3 years ago already. It feels like it was just yesterday, but also like so much has happened, especially when I consider that Ella wasn't in the picture when we lost him.

I still have random moments that hit me out of nowhere and I tear up or just full on sob. Shows that deal with the loss of dads always get me. Father daughter dances at weddings, I'm a basket case. I miss my dad. I wish he was here to love on Ella, and snuggle her. I'd give just about anything to get a hug from him again.

I will say this. I know my dad's around. He visited me in my dreams a little while ago and this week, I was at home, Ella was sleeping and MG was making his way back from his work trip. I was reading Michelle Obama's book, and I got to the point where she lost her dad. She described a scene that sounded so familiar to what it was like when we lost my dad, and when I finished the section, I closed up the book and decided to go upstairs and dry my hair (having showered earlier and was just letting it air dry some). When I got into the bedroom, I went to my nightstand to get something out, and happened to see a manila envelope at the bottom and couldn't remember what it was.

So I opened it, pulled out the pile of things inside, and right on top, looking me square in the face, was a picture of me and my dad from when I was a baby, a little younger than Ella is now.

It struck me in that moment how perfectly in sync everything was--reading the part about losing her dad,  feeling connected to that story, and then by some weird happenstance, seeing that picture of me and my dad in a long forgotten about envelope. He was letting me know he's here, and it stopped me in my tracks and made me smile.

I went through the rest of the stack of old pictures, cards from MG when we started dating, etc, and at the very end was a card from my dad on Valentine's day. I didn't even remember that I had saved that years and years ago.

It was the perfect reminder that he's here, even when I can't see him. He's here, and that gives me comfort.

That picture is now on my nightstand so I can see it every morning, and every night, because it's obvious that he wanted to remind me that he's here, and that's a reminder that I'll take, every single day.

I love you!