With and Without a Baby

This post was supposed to be the one where I announced that we're having a baby and told you the cute story with all kinds of coincidences and details. Instead it's the one where I share that we were pregnant, and at 8 weeks, I lost the baby. 

Everything had been going well with my pregnancy, minus a scare with bleeding which ended with a doctor's appointment where I saw my little baby's heartbeat for the first time. Another appointment showed growth and that things were good. And at what was supposed to be my last appointment with my fertility doctor was when there was silence during the ultrasound. I knew immediately that something was wrong. Then I heard "the baby is measuring behind and the heartbeat is slower than we'd like." Then words like "50/50 chance". Shock, panic, fear, anger...all of it happened.

I was told to keep taking my shots for the next 5 days and to come back for another ultrasound on Tuesday right before Thanksgiving. The longest 5 days of my life. In my gut I had a feeling it wasn't going to be good news and I grieved the full 5 days.

I went to that appointment, and again, silence. I didn't see that tiny heartbeat flutter on the screen anymore. 

I scheduled a D&C for the next day (the day before Thanksgiving) instead of waiting to have my miscarriage over Thanksgiving.

To say we are saddened, upset, frustrated, angry and heartbroken doesn't begin to encompass everything that we felt. The past few weeks have been hard ones, healing ones, and embracing ones. We've been blessed by the outpouring of love that we've received from our friends and family who knew we were pregnant, and also knew that we lost our baby and I feel so thankful for that. I also have Ella who has been such a joy to watch, and has given me something special to focus and love on during all of this. I've tried to focus on the good, but I've broken down. It hits me out of nowhere sometimes. I'm doing my best to heal emotionally, but it's a process.

I share this here for multiple reasons. 1) to explain part of my absence lately. I really haven't felt like blogging much until I'd processed everything. 2) to document another chapter/story in our lives and 3) to speak my truth and let others out there who have had miscarriages know that they aren't alone. The more I've opened up about this, the more people I find out who have had a miscarriage. Which doesn't necessarily make things better, but it helps to talk with people who have gone through it and know what you're feeling. There's healing in leaning on someone else.

If there's anyone out there who needs to know you're not alone...here I am...you're not alone. This isn't an easy path to walk. It's a heartbreaking one, filled with tears, and "why us" questions, anger, and frustration. This doesn't define me, but it's also now a part of my story.

I'd still like to share the story of our baby, but perhaps in another post. It was written during that exciting time, when I didn't want to forget a single thing, and I still want to celebrate and commemorate the little being who would have been ours.