With and Without a Baby

This post was supposed to be the one where I announced that we're having a baby and told you the cute story with all kinds of coincidences and details. Instead it's the one where I share that we were pregnant, and at 8 weeks, I lost the baby. 

Everything had been going well with my pregnancy, minus a scare with bleeding which ended with a doctor's appointment where I saw my little baby's heartbeat for the first time. Another appointment showed growth and that things were good. And at what was supposed to be my last appointment with my fertility doctor was when there was silence during the ultrasound. I knew immediately that something was wrong. Then I heard "the baby is measuring behind and the heartbeat is slower than we'd like." Then words like "50/50 chance". Shock, panic, fear, anger...all of it happened.

I was told to keep taking my shots for the next 5 days and to come back for another ultrasound on Tuesday right before Thanksgiving. The longest 5 days of my life. In my gut I had a feeling it wasn't going to be good news and I grieved the full 5 days.

I went to that appointment, and again, silence. I didn't see that tiny heartbeat flutter on the screen anymore. 
I scheduled a D&C for the next day (the day before Thanksgiving) instead of waiting to have my miscarriage over Thanksgiving.
To say we are saddened, upset, frustrated, angry and heartbroken doesn't begin to encompass everything that we felt. The past few weeks have been hard ones, healing ones, and embracing ones. We've been blessed by the outpouring of love that we've received from our friends and family who knew we were pregnant, and also knew that we lost our baby and I feel so thankful for that. I also have Ella who has been such a joy to watch, and has given me something special to focus and love on during all of this. I've tried to focus on the good, but I've broken down. It hits me out of nowhere sometimes. I'm doing my best to heal emotionally, but it's a process.

I share this here for multiple reasons. 1) to explain part of my absence lately. I really haven't felt like blogging much until I'd processed everything. 2) to document another chapter/story in our lives and 3) to speak my truth and let others out there who have had miscarriages know that they aren't alone. The more I've opened up about this, the more people I find out who have had a miscarriage. Which doesn't necessarily make things better, but it helps to talk with people who have gone through it and know what you're feeling. There's healing in leaning on someone else.

If there's anyone out there who needs to know you're not alone...here I am...you're not alone. This isn't an easy path to walk. It's a heartbreaking one, filled with tears, and "why us" questions, anger, and frustration. This doesn't define me, but it's also now a part of my story.

I'd still like to share the story of our baby, but perhaps in another post. It was written during that exciting time, when I didn't want to forget a single thing, and I still want to celebrate and commemorate the little being who would have been ours.

20 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I can't imagine the roller coaster of emotions -up and then down - that you've had in the last few months. Praying for your comfort and healing.

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  2. Oh Jenn, I am so so sorry. Just know so many of us are praying for you...

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  3. I'm so sorry for your loss Jenn, I cannot even begin to imagine the heartache you have been doing through. Sending much love and prayers to you and yours.

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  4. Jenn, my heart goes out to you. I know this loss. And remember look where we are now. We walked this same path and I am hear to tell you it sucks, I know you know that but one day your joyful heart will sit and look at your beautiful family and reflect at this journey and how it all happened. I will pray for all 3 of you and know your are NOT alone!!

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  5. Love you so much friend. Always lifting you up in prayer and love.

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  6. I think about you every day and cannot even begin to fathom the pain. the constant reminders. the joy of Ella juxtaposed with the pain of loss. I just cannot comprehend it. I'm always here if you need an ear. XOXO, R

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  7. (oh, and bravo for sharing this most personal and painful news. The more we share, the less others will suffer in silence).

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  8. I know you don't know me, but I wanted to share that I'm in the same world you are. I know this loss and feeling of emptiness well. I miscarried twins in September at 13 weeks, the same week that we moved to a different state and prepared to start new jobs. I also went through a D&C, and while that was difficult in its own way, it did help to bring some closure to an otherwise tumultuous, traumatic, and emotional two weeks of ultrasounds, blood draws and the back and forth of maybe they babies will live/50-50 chance/likely pregnancy loss. While it has gotten a bit easier, there are times, especially during the holidays, that still bring me to my knees. What I have learned is that having children is truly a miracle, and I kiss my 19 month old little girl and hold her tighter every day knowing just what a blessing she is. She makes the difficult days better. Sending prayers and love your way.

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  9. I'm so Sorry Jenn! Lifting you up in prayer.

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  10. Oh Jenn, I'm so sorry. I, too, had to go the route of having a D&C when I miscarried because my body held on to our little babe and just wouldn't let go. I know words won't help right now, but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and you're in my prayers. Kiss that sweet little Ella a million times over the next few weeks... if there's anything that will help you heal, it'll be her. <3

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  11. Oh Jenn... I"m so sorry! I suffered 2 miscarriages before my daughter was born. It's such a heartbreaking thing to go through. Snuggle sweet Ella and allow yourself to grieve and be gentle with yourself. Hugs!

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  12. I'm so sorry for your loss! I hate to hear this and am so sad for you. Thanks for sharing your story so we could pray and continue to encourage you on your journey to growing your family. Saying prayers for your recovery and your family this holiday season.

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  13. Sending you peace and love my friend. I am so sorry for your loss.

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  14. Sending you hugs and prayers. I am so sorry for your loss.

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  15. I am so sorry. Sending lots of love your way. <3

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  16. I have followed your blog for years. This post really hit home. My husband and I had a miscarriage in June of 2015, followed by a season of infertility. We ended up getting pregnant on a cycle that was “scientifically impossible” to get pregnant on because tests showed I didn’t ovulate.
    We are praying for y’all and rooting for you! Already having a sweet baby girl is such a blessing for you! She will help you find joy in this difficult season. It is okay to grieve as long as you need to. There are still days nearly 4 years later where I think about him or her and get testy eyed, but know he/she paved the way for our rainbow baby to greet us the following summer.
    Please reach out to me if you need to! (:
    May your family have a wonderful Christmas and feel peace and joy in each day!

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  17. I am so sorry for your loss! Thank you for sharing this with us. I know how difficult and heartbreaking a misscarriage can be. Praying for you!

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  18. Love you, friend. So grateful you’ve allowed me to be a part of this journey with you. You’re a wonderful friend, wife and mommy. 💙

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  19. I am so sorry to hear this news. Prayers for you and your sweet family during this time and moving forward. I have been there too and understand how hard this is. Big hugs to you!

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  20. Hi Jenn, I'm just catching up on some of my favorite blogs and am so sorry to hear but thank you for sharing your story. Sending you lots of hugs, peace, and love in this new year.

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