Back to Life....

"....back to reality"

Today I'm heading back to work, tearfully.

It's been 16 weeks at home with my girl and I'm not sure what the day will be like leaving her in someone else's hands for the day (thankfully it's someone who we know, and trust).

In addition to all of that, our little peanut came down with a cold on Saturday night and was up just about every hour that night with sniffles, coughs and some super sad cries.

She teetered on having a fever during the day Sunday but thankfully didn't quite reach what's considered a fever for her age.

Needless to say, yesterday was filled with exhaustion coupled with all of the feels associated with watching your baby feel sick....and then add in the feels about going back to work and leaving her behind. Lots and lots of tears. I basically felt like I was on the post partum rollercoaster all over again!

Ironically enough, it was a year ago today that we had this one tiny perfect embryo transferred....who now is our cuddly, adorable little girl (even when she has a cold). It's crazy how different things are a year later! 

Anyway, send some love this way today...and perhaps a gallon of tissues, because this mama is gonna need them! You can find me staring at this beautiful face and getting 0 work done today...

Hoping you had a nice, cold-free weekend!

What's Hap-"Pinning" Wednesday {#58}

It's time for another edition of WHW, where you can share what's happening with you, stuff you're pinning, recipes...anything!

Reading ...
Lots of stuff, although now that I'm back at work, my days of being able to read for hours on end are over. Boo hiss! Right now I'm reading a book my mom gave to me called Stepdog by Nicole Galland. I'm only about a quarter of the way in and so far it's pretty good. Check out my post from yesterday for some of the other books that I've been reading!

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Watching ...
All the Real Housewives (no surprise there), Hollywood Medium with Tyler Henry (anyone else?? He's incredible and has me tearing up almost every episode), Teen Mom OG--I used to like Maci the best, but I'm sorry if you get pregnant three times "by accident" then you obviously haven't learned anything about what this show is supposed to be preaching. And lastly, Married At First Sight which I think has been the most disappointing and boring season yet. And I think the experts suck.

{via} BORING!!!!

Eating....
Pirate's Booty. The other weekend (not this past one, but the one before) I picked up a Costco sized bag of Pirate's Booty, and I'm ashamed to admit that there was only about a 1/4 of it left by this past weekend. That stuff is like crack! #givemethebooty

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Looking forward to ... 

Our friend's wedding this weekend. It's on a Sunday which is a bit of a pain (and out of town) but it's sure to be a LOT of fun! I'm pretty sure we're gonna need a weekend following this weekend of festivities and friends!

Wishing...
my friend Kelly a successful first day of Chemo today! This girl has been a true superhero to me since finding out she had breast cancer at the end of the school year. She has had nothing but the best, most positive attitude, and I know she is going to rock this too! On Monday, a bunch of us got together and surprised her at a local wine bar, wearing pink (well almost all of us) as a Chemo Kickoff to show our love and support for her. I think she was surprised as she teared up immediately upon seeing us :) Sending so much love to you, Kelly!

Enjoying ...
the last bits of watermelon season. Since we got a big guy locally the other weekend, I've been having a mid-morning snack of watermelon every day and I'm loving it!

Drinking...
Cucumber and lemon water that we've been making in our infuser pitcher. SO delicious and refreshing and better than just plain lemon water.

Loving....
working with Kindergarten students. First of all, they are SO tiny at the start of the year. And boy are they funny, rambunctious, and full of giggles! 

Wanting ... 
to have a week without parent meetings. I'll have at least 4 this week. It's the first FULL week of school and by the end of this week, I'll have had 5 meetings so far this school year, in 9 days. #justletmeseethekids

Wearing ...
dresses and anything else that keeps me cool since we're climbing back into the 90s this week! At least Sunday and Monday were less hot, and not humid, but I could really do with some consistent 80 degree, no humidity days.

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Grateful For...

Comfy clothes, glasses and being able to relax and veg out at the end of a work day. 

Now it's your turn to link up with Jessi and I and share what's hap-"pinning" with you!

Retrieval Day: aka Leggo My Eggos

Yeah, I've been holding on to that title for the last week or so :)

 The longer title was "Leggo My Eggos so I can get Preggo".

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Today (this morning) is retrieval day! Hoping for an easy surgical procedure, with some good results at the end, and in the coming days! Send us some positive vibes, thoughts, prayers, juju...whatever you've got and are willing to send our way, we'll take!

And before I go, I wanted to share the text of this article that my friend shared online yesterday.

"An Open Letter to the TTC Sisterhood

If you’re reading this because it’s addressed to you, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that even though you make it your mission to stay positive and grateful, you wake up every day with an ache in your heart that never seems to go away.

I’m sorry that people can be so unrelenting and naïve about your struggle with infertility.

“When are you having kids?”

“You just need to relax, and it’ll happen!”

“Have you tried tracking your cycle?”

“You should really just adopt.”

“Maybe your body is trying to tell you something.”

I’m sorry that when people are so unrelenting and naïve, you have to calm the lump in your throat before it turns into sobs, the anger in your heart before it turns into rage, and answer with dignity and grace when it feels like all you can muster is something far less becoming.

I’m sorry that you have to walk by that unfinished “guest room” every day and be reminded it was supposed to be a nursery a long time ago.

I’m sorry your relationship has been tested to the limits by everything you’ve had to endure together.

I’m sorry opening every baby shower invitation brings tears to your eyes when it should bring happiness to your heart.

I’m sorry you’ve been unable to make your parents grandparents when you know they’d be the best grandparents ever. I’m sorry you feel guilty because of it.

I’m sorry you have to watch the world go on around you when it feels like your whole world is falling apart.

I’m sorry that the emotional burden is not the only one you carry.

I’m sorry you have to put yourself into debt just to create the family you’ve always dreamed you’d have.

I’m sorry a diaper commercial can make you cry because you’ve held it together just long enough to get through the day without anyone knowing the sadness you carry.

I’m sorry you feel like your body has failed you.

I’m sorry you feel like you’re in this struggle alone.

But you’re not. I’m here with you.

The truth is, you don’t need me to tell you all the reasons why I’m sorry to be a part of this TTC sisterhood — you live it every day. You carry the same heartache and torment that I do. Right now, maybe what you need are all the reasons why I’m notsorry.

I’m not sorry you have learned to love yourself for your strength and courage. This journey is not easy, but you still get up every morning and find your inner strength even when it feels like there is none left.

I’m not sorry you have learned to be vulnerable with those whom you love. Sharing a private struggle like infertility can be terrifying, but vulnerability is not a weakness; it is heroic.

I’m not sorry this struggle will make you an even better mom someday. You have learned patience and compassion and gained a gentleness that can only be created through a heartache like this one.

I’m not sorry that your pain has helped you to find a voice to help others when they feel alone.

I’m not sorry that you’ve found the real meaning of friendship by learning to let some relationships go while growing others that are more fulfilling.

I’m not sorry you have learned how to really be there for your partner when they need you. I’m not sorry you’ve learned to let this heartache bring you closer instead of letting it tear you apart.

I’m not sorry you have had to learn how to put yourself first, placing your own needs before the needs of others.

I’m not sorry you have had to learn how to put all of your faith into something that carries no certainty, no guarantees but have learned to appreciate that there’s always a chance — always.

I’m not sorry that your infertility struggle has forced you to be grateful for all you do have in this life, and I’m not sorry that it’s taught you to appreciate the small things.

I’m not sorry that we’re all in this together.

Hundreds or even thousands of miles apart, we are all living the same story. So even if it’s just for today or even just in this moment, try not to be sorry you are a part of our sisterhood. We are some of the strongest women I know, and we’re all in this together."

~.~.~

Thank you to each one of you who has shown me support through our journey. Thank you for those of you who have reached out to me privately to send positive messages, reach out and share how my story has touched you and made you feel less alone. Thank you for the ladies who have gone through this before me, and been my support network along the way, and for those going through it alongside me. The support I've gotten here has helped make me feel strong enough to get through this, and have faith. Faith in friendship among strangers, faith in medical professionals, and faith in the future.

I'm filled with so much faith, love and hope today.

Real Thoughts

Today I'm gonna get a bit serious around here.

You all pretty much are aware that our most recent attempt at IUI was our last before we moved on to IVF. Well, the Thursday that we left for Greece, I got the call that we're not pregnant.

Along with that came some heavy emotions. I was SO hopeful that this was going to be "it" for us...just like I let myself hope every month before this one. But more than that, it was the last stop before 'the big time' that is IVF. 

I'm not gonna lie. I had a HUGE full out cry fest full of sobs, hyperventilating, and some screaming into pillows. I haven't had these kind of feelings since my Dad died, and in some ways, it was the death of my hope that we could have this happen without getting to the next level.

I'm grateful that we had our vacay right on the heels of this--it allowed us both some much needed time to get away from the stresses that this year has brought us, some time to relax, reconnect and let loose. I'm SO thankful that we had this time together. 

And now that we're back, it's full swing into reality. Calling insurance, getting meds ordered, taking online IVF classes, signing up for classes about IVF and shots, making appointments for my mock embryo transfer. It's a lot. And my feelings are a range of emotions. I'm SO grateful that this is an option for us--that we have the finances in place (and insurance that is helping--thank goodness!), and the resources that make this available. Having just seen some great ruins from the past on our trip, reinforced how lucky we are that we have IVF as an option, whereas in the past, we would have just kept trying and hoping that one month we'd get a miracle, or given up completely.

I'm trying to remain positive. I know so many amazing women who have gone through this process. They've persevered through the painful shots, the anesthesia and surgery, the emotional and financial rollercoaster that is this process, and succeeded. 

I've kept my outlook hopeful, but I'd be lying if I told you that the fear and doubts aren't creeping in more than normal. After basically having 2 years worth of disappointments, it's hard to feel like there will ever be a month where we get good news. I pray that we do, but I'm afraid that I'm just getting used to the disappointment. It's not the head space I want to be in, but that's my reality. It's a possibility.

I think it's also scary because, this is basically the end of the line for us in terms of being able to have our own biological child. Before, there was always the "next" option. And now, we're at the end of that road which is terrifying. 

I know in my heart that I'm destined to be a mom. I know that MG is going to be the most amazing dad. And I just pray that this next step, as hard as it's going to be, will bring us this gift that we want the most. I know it's not going to be easy....and it's not going to be pleasant, but if it brings us that little baby we've been hoping and praying for, then it will be worth it. I never thought I'd have the strength to get through IVF....but knowing so many amazing women who have done it, and are supporting me through it, helps.

So, that's me getting real today. Life isn't fair...and it's certainly not easy. Everyone has their own obstacles in life to deal with, and this one is ours. I'm thankful that I have this support network, my family and friends, and that I have the summer off from work so that I'm not dealing with work stresses on top of all of this. All of these are blessings. 

So here's hoping that I can keep the positivity flowing, keep the negative thoughts at bay, and get rolling on this next part of the journey down the road to getting us a baby.

Confessions, Hashtags and Gifs....Oh My!

It's that time of week where we confess all of our sins....or just silly things! 

Are you ready to get a load off your chest?

I confess....

.....that I love tiny things. It really doesn't matter what it is, if it's tiny and cute, I love it. Case and point, I found a teeny tiny paperclip at work, and it's just sitting on my desk. Because what else can you do with a super tiny paperclip? #teenytiny

.....I need to find a good, comfy pair of flats for our trip this summer. I've been debating about Tieks, but just not sure they are worth the money. Are they really THAT comfortable? Do they have good support? Educate me, ladies who have them! #comfyfeet

......we started our next cycle of fertility treatments and scheduling the appointments and morning blood draws and ultrasounds around work are already kind of overwhelming me. I think I need to get back into meditating regularly to try and get past the stress #fertilityfun #om

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......our HOA is the bane of my existence. After taking SIX WEEKS to get back to us on our windows, they approved everything, BUT they won't let us do our windows a floor at a time. It has to be each side of the house. Which totally throws off our entire plan (especially since the window company went ahead and ordered all of the windows for the ground floor--not our fault). The irony is that MG talked to the president of the HOA and told him our plan to which he said "Oh yeah, that shouldn't be a problem" #liarface

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.....the HOA mix up (and the window company's boo boo on ordering the windows) has actually kind of worked out in our favor in that we're now basically getting the entire house worth of windows (17 in total) at cost. Which means paying more than we were going to spend, but we're getting ALL the windows done for almost half the price they were originally quoting us at. A bigger expense, but in the long run totally saved us money, and one more thing off of the home reno list #silverlining

{via} Thanks, Britt Britt

......the word "pamplemousse" was on my La Croix water and it totally made me laugh. It means "grapefruit" (and luckily they put it in parenthesis beneath the word), but saying "pamplemousse" is really fun. I feel so...sophisticated! haha #notreally

{via} My husband would love that I just used a Simpson's gif in here lol

.....our area is setting a record right now for the most days that it has rained, in a row. This is not a record that I'm interested in participating anymore. I draw the line at 14, and we're at 16 now....Go back to Seattle, rain...you're drunk! #rainraingoaway  #butforrealthough

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....there are some bathrooms in my school with such bad lighting that I'm scared to look at myself in the mirrors because it makes me question whether or not I'm dying. #sickly

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....I'm getting more and more annoyed that our friends' wedding is costing us upwards of $600 in lodging ALONE, not to mention the two days off of work that we have to take because of the day of the wedding and the timing of the rehearsal. MG still hasn't bought his suit for the wedding, and will still need to give a gift. Looking at over $1,000. I'm happy to celebrate our friends, but this is getting SO expensive. Ugh. #moneydoesntgrowonourtrees

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....I will never book another flight through Travelocity again. The "credit" that we got back on our Aruba flights ended up somehow costing us $400 out of pocket when we booked our annual trip/flights to Minnesota for October the other night(after being put on hold for over an hour). In addition to the flight cost which was more than we'd normally pay(usually $200 total). And we still have $500 just sitting there waiting to be used because of this nonsense. Never. Again. #thanksfornothing #stupidZika

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....I was signing a document at work and randomly started to sign my maiden name. It's only been 2 years....I'll blame it on muscle memory lol #whoops!

And with that, I'll leave you for today. What are some of your confessions this week?

Things you Should and Should NOT say to a Person Struggling with Infertility

People mean well when they give you their advice, or say things to try and make you feel better, but these are just some warnings and advice of things NOT to say to someone who is struggling to get pregnant and/or dealing with infertility:

1) "At least you have a lot of free time and don't have to be tied down by kids" or "just enjoy your time together now"

Sure, having "free time" is nice, but a lot of that time is spent visiting doctors (if you're dealing with infertility), appointments and treatments. Not to mention the financial side.

PLUS, it's something that we WANT. We want kids. 

If someone was struggling to move up in their job track, or struggling to make ends meet would you say "well, at least your taxes are lower?" No. It's kind of the same thing.

And telling me to enjoy our time together is just annoying. If I didn't enjoy my time with my husband, I wouldn't be trying to have kids with him. We've had time to enjoy together--before we were married, and afterwards. That doesn't make me change my dreams any more than it would for you.

2) "Don't stress out. You just need to relax."

Ok, duh. We ALL know that stress doesn't help to make a baby. You know what else doesn't help people to not stress out? Being TOLD not to stress.

As my fertility doctor said, there's an innate amount of stress on your body anyway because it's in our DNA to procreate in order to carry on our species. That stress is programmed into you. Then add in something that you want desperately, and of course there is stress when it doesn't happen.

Relaxing is great, but sometimes it's a lot easier than just saying it.

3) "It took us a long time to get pregnant too" followed up by 2, 3, 4 months, etc.

No. That is the NORMAL amount of time it takes for people to get pregnant. When you've been trying for a year or YEARS, it is a slap in the face. We get that you're trying to relate, but just don't. 3 months is nothing compared to a year or years.

4) "You guys just need to have sex more"

This one is wrong on so many levels. One, it actually doesn't work like that since you don't ovulate every day. Two, what do you know about my sex life? Three, no...just shush.

5) "There are always treatments available. Or adoption."

Well, no kidding. Do you know the emotional journey going through THOSE steps are? IUI, IVF...they are both expensive (IUI less so than IVF) and it is a huge commitment--financially and time-wise. I'm talking about multiple early morning trips to the doctor before work for bloodwork and ultrasounds. Shots at night. Pills to take. It's not fun. There's nothing romantic about this process. In fact, it is probably some of the most UNromantic times you'll experience. And yet you do it anyway. There is some reassurance knowing these are available, but it's not an easy, snap your fingers kind of journey. And there's no guarantee with those either.

IUI increases your chances of getting pregnant to 20%. IVF is 60%.

And adoption is a GREAT option for people. But when you have your heart set on having a baby of your own, it's not an easy fix-all solution. It's still hard. And expensive.

(This is in no way knocking adoption. Adoption is wonderful and I'm thankful that it is available and out there.)

~.~.~

If you've said these things, it's ok. I know I've said some insensitive or stupid things in the past without intending to, or realizing it. We say things to try and help someone cope or make them feel better. But, this is just to increase the awareness. You never know what someone is going through, so just try and be sensitive, especially when you DO know there is a struggle there. 

What CAN you do?

Listen. Support. Let people know you're there.

You may not have gone through this before, and that's ok. Offering to listen or be someone to vent to is perfect. You're showing your support and letting someone know you're there. Sometimes that's all that we need.

Ask.

Ask how you can support them. If you don't know, ask. 

Check in.* 

This depends on the person and how close you are, and whether they said they want you to ask. I haven't met too many people dealing with this who don't appreciate someone asking how they are doing with everything.

I appreciate when my friends ask when our next treatment is so they can pray for us, or check back with me when they know I'm getting my bloodwork back. 

I've gotten this text before: "I know you had your bloodwork done today and I was just checking to see how it went. If it didn't go well and you don't want to talk, that's fine and I won't be offended. Either way, I'm here"

This is perfect. I don't feel the pressure if I'm upset and don't want to talk about it, but I know you're there when I want to.

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I hope this helps all of us to navigate the tough stuff. Life isn't easy, that's for sure, and just knowing that people are there to support you is what matters.

Giving Up

Today, I'm giving up. But not in the way you think. 
I'm giving up control. My need for control over things is part of my personality. I want things to go right, and in the way I want them to, in my timing.  Thank you, Type-A-ness.

But life isn't like that. And sometimes the Universe makes sure you realize it.

Point taken, Universe. I get it. And I'm giving up my need for control over this.

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I never thought, when I was younger, that I'd be 33 and still not have a baby. Hell, I thought I'd be DONE with having kids by 33, not still trying to get started.  That's how I felt about getting married, too. That happened later in life than I'd planned, but I wouldn't change it for the world because it brought me the RIGHT person in the RIGHT timing.

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And that's probably what the Universe is trying to teach me now with getting pregnant. As much as I WANT (desperately want) to have control over this, I don't. 
I. Just. Don't. 

I need to have faith. And I do...I just haven't been leaning on that faith like I should. I've let worry, and control, and stress creep in and cloud that faith. And I DO know that this is going to happen for us. I truly believe it in the deepest part of me. I just need to let go.

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So this is me, pledging to myself, to you, and to the Universe....I'm giving up my control. I'm going to let life happen, I'm going to let love happen, and I'm going to let my faith take over. I can't keep trying to hold onto this with a tight fist. It's just going to continue to slip through my fingers and make me that much more anxious, angry, upset, frustrated, mad....you name it, I've felt it. And I don't want to anymore.

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I think with dealing with so many "emotional dinosaurs" lately, as my friend called them, it's forced me to let go of some of the stress. And this is one that I absolutely CAN and NEED to let go of. I have grief over my dad's passing, and I can't just let that go without it having other detrimental effects--I need to feel it, and heal through it. But I CAN let this go.  And I'm choosing to.

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Good things will come. I just need to give up that need for control and 
have faith. 

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Birthday Weekending with the Fam

Happy Monday, friends. Before I recap my weekend for you, I had to take a moment and thank each and every one of you for all of the heart felt messages of condolence--either through the comments here, private emails, texts...they all meant so much to me. You guys really showed me the love, and each of your messages helped, so thank you.

The past week has been pretty overwhelming--we've gotten so much support from family and friends, and even some people I've fallen out of touch with have reached out. It makes you realize how people can really show up for you when it's needed.

This weekend was also my birthday, and I was actually able to celebrate this weekend, despite all of the other emotions I was dealing with.

My weekend highlights included:

~Having my MIL, SIL and youngest niece come down from Philly on Friday afternoon.

~Got to get outside and enjoy the 4th day of the week that was warm and beautiful

~Getting 7 bouquets of flowers either for my birthday or as condolence from friends. They've all been beautiful and helped to brighten up our home--and they smell wonderful!

~Got spoiled for my birthday by MG and his sister. All of these gems are now mine:

totally in love with my new Kate Spade watch courtesy of MG #love

~Birthday dinner at Chef Geoff's with MG, my mom, MIL, SIL and niece. The food was incredible--I ordered the scallops and mushroom risotto and ate every single bite of it. It didn't disappoint!

~Back to the house for some chocolate mousse birthday cake and birthday photos

~Saturday morning we made breakfast together and then went to National Harbor to walk around and grab lunch before MG's family headed back home

I'm so thankful that they came down--it was such a nice distraction and really helped make my birthday feel special and not so gloomy.

I'm so blessed. I really really am.

~Gave myself a manicure with Essie's In Stitches

~Went out to dinner with our friends and tried out a new restaurant, Grand Cru--a wine bar/bistro where we did a wine tasting along with our meals (which were also super delicious). It was so nice to spend time with our friends and catch up.

~Ran errands Sunday, took a bunch of things to donate, and brought Coop to the dog park--watching him run around without a care in the world made me smile :)

~Helped my mom make some final preparations for my dad's memorial service

~Had Chipotle for dinner for the first time since their whole food crisis happened. We survived!

~Watched a few episodes of House of Cards before calling it a night

This year's birthday obviously wasn't what I expected it to be a couple of months ago, but thanks to my incredible family and friends, it was still special. I know my dad would have wanted me to celebrate, and do things in order to be happy. And with some help, I was able to do that. 

Just because there are pictures with smiles doesn't mean there weren't really hard parts of the weekend with tears. But, I'm not dwelling on those. I'm embracing the sadness, but I'm also choosing to look for the happy.

I hope your weekend was special, too :)

Weekend/Life Update

Hey guys--we're back after another weekend and I figured now's as good a time as any to update you all on what's going on over here.

After spending the whole day with MG at the hospital with my dad on Thursday, we went to work like normal on Friday, and that night we went out for a friend's birthday celebration that night. It was nice to get out because the last 4 weeks have mainly been spent at work, home or the hospital. Getting out and socializing for a couple hours was much needed and good for the soul.

What I haven't shared with you all yet is that Saturday was my dad's first day receiving in-patient hospice services at the hospital. The doctors aren't able to do any more to try and get him better or stronger, so now we pray for comfort and peace for him. My mom, bless her, has spent every night with him at the hospital since Wednesday night so that he doesn't have to be alone during this whole process.

On Saturday MG and I went to visit my dad and relieve my mom. One of my best friends, who I've known since middle school, and her mom (who was like my second mom growing up) came by to see my dad, and brought MG and I lunch, and my dad flowers. It was so nice to see them and I know my dad appreciated them coming.  We spent time reminiscing which was awesome. MG and I spent 9 hours at the hospital that day. We also had friends who have been amazing and made sure that Cooper was taken out and fed...thank goodness for friends.

Sunday I went back to the hospital for another 7 hours to relieve my mom again, and my dad slept for a good amount of time that I was there. When I was leaving he thanked me for coming and spending time with him and told me he loved me.

Luckily I came home to cheeseburger soup in the crock pot, a clean house, and groceries bought for the week, thanks to MG. Cooper snuggles were on the docket for the night, too.

We unwound and watched the Downton Abbey finale before going to bed to rest up

Basically, this weekend has been one of acceptance, comfort, love, friendship, support, and caring....as sad as this time is, I also know how blessed my family is to have the amazing people in our lives who have shown up and been by our sides when we've needed them. 

I know I've asked for your prayers before, and I'm going to ask for them again: please pray that my dad finds comfort and peace in these final days.

One of several beautiful sunsets this weekend that have made me feel very peaceful and faith full